There’s someone I want you to meet. You actually know him very well, but I don’t think you’ve been properly introduced. His name is Seamus, and he’s the Shame Monster. He’s been with you for most of your life, he is with us all. He follows us around and he gets very big and noisy when we f*ck up. He makes us feel ashamed, and not enough, and isolated and sad.
It is Seamus who stops you from being honest about your struggles and your challenges. It is Seamus who makes it so hard for you to own and fix your mistakes. Seamus makes you angry when you know you have been less than perfect. It is his anger. He hates imperfection.
For some people, Seamus ambles around behind us, mumbling and criticising and worrying about whether we are enough. For others, he looms over us so large, shouting and raging, making it impossible for us to reach out for help when we need it the most. Unable to admit to alcohol dependence? Unwilling to reach out for help with the abuse you are experiencing at home? Bewildered as to how to tell others about your mental health challenges? That’s Seamus. He wants you to stay silent. Nobody must know.
So where the hell does he come from? Why is he with us, shambling and complaining or shouting and threatening? Why can’t he leave us alone?
Poor Seamus. The truth is, he is actually trying to help. What he wants is for us to be safe. The problem is that he does not understand the modern world. Not one bit. He’s really not very smart, poor Seamus. He only understands certain things.
Seamus believes that:
- We are not safe outside of our tribe
- Our tribe will reject us if we don’t conform
- We must please everyone to stay safe, and warm, and fed
So whenever we mess up, make a mistake, don’t live up to someone’s expectations, get called out, differ from the norm, speak our truth or get something wrong, Seamus gets very scared. He tries to warn us, tells us we have to grovel and crawl and apologise over and over. He tells us we have to do what’s asked, be the same as everyone else, try harder to get things right. Because otherwise we are not safe! And Seamus hates not being safe.
He also gets upset if we do things that we think at first are fantastic! If we stand out, if we are visible, if we are successful, if we do better than those around us. If we say that we’re an expert, if we place ourselves in a position of authority, if we do something others in our group maybe couldn’t do. Danger! Seamus says the tribe will reject us, we are being too much! Who do we think we are?
Not enough or too much, Seamus hates them both. He is only happy when everything is just right – like Goldilocks in The Three Bears. But even then he stays on constant alert. Because at any minute, there could be a mistake. A misstep. A problem. A threat.
Seamus loves us. But he is an abusive lover. We may understand his concerns, but we don’t have to put up with his crap. We are smarter than he is, we understand the world around us. The more we understand him, the more we can understand that he may be a big scary monster, but we are far stronger than he is.
What do we know that Seamus doesn’t know?
- We are safe, we are loved, we are enough
- In the modern world we have access to millions of people. We can find our own tribe
- The people we grew up with do not have to approve of us for us to be safe
- The person best placed to keep us safe is ourselves – we can have our own back
- There will always be people who love us for who we are, the disapproval of some is not unsafe
- Sharing our challenges will make them smaller and easier to manage
He won’t believe any of the above, not at first. He’s been growing and learning our whole lives, it will take time for him to change his tune. He may in fact never understand what we understand. But he can learn to be quieter, less angry, less destructive.
How do we live with Seamus?
The trick with poor old Seamus is to recognise that he really should not be in charge. Having Seamus in charge of our emotions and decisions is like putting a toddler in charge of the household. He isn’t smart enough to make the right choices. He doesn’t understand the world properly, and ultimately he’s just going to be way too noisy and make too much mess.
When you hear Seamus raging in your ear, you can start by firmly telling him to stop. You do not deserve to be shouted and raged at by anybody, least of all a shambling ol’ monster. Stop Seamus. Enough. Be quiet please and let me think.
Eventually though you will learn that what he needs is love. He asks for it in the most terrible way, but Seamus just wants to feel safe. So instead of believing what he tells you, it’s time to start making him believe what you tell him.
You are enough.
Nobody is perfect.
Perfection is not something worth reaching for.
Mistakes are not unsafe.
As an adult, we can never now be “told off” or “get into trouble”.
We are loved and we love ourselves.
We can keep ourselves safe.
We will not be cast out of the group to starve alone in the wilderness. Seamus mate, it’s never going to happen.
Be firm with him. Do not allow him to shout and rage, no matter what you have done. Seamus making a racket and yelling and throwing a tantrum never ever helps us to manage our mistakes, even if they are really big fuck ups. Especially if they are really big fuck ups.
Then be gentle with him. Help him to feel safe. Talk to the people who love you. Do the things that you enjoy. Do the things you find comforting. Sit Seamus down in the corner with a biscuit and a cup of tea and tell him that you have got this. You are in charge now. You will keep you safe. He doesn’t need to worry. “Goodnight Seamus. I will keep us safe.”
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Who brought Seamus to life?
Seamus is the first of many illustrations that the wonderful Racheal Hoult of Pondering Doodles is going to create for me. Racheal is a passionate feminist and artist and you will get to know her more very soon when she features in my A coffee with… blog series. Pondering Doodles is her creative outlet and side hustle as she is currently employed part-time. I think you will agree that we need to see a lot more of Racheal’s artwork in the world! Please do get in touch with her if you need an illustrator.
Helen Calvert
The No Bullsh*t Coach
May 2023