3 weeks ago my ex-husband told me that he is trans. Last night we told our boys that he will now be living as a woman with she/her pronouns and a new name. She will still be Daddy to her boys and they can call her whatever they like. To everyone else, Phil is now Jessie. Now that the boys know, the information is common knowledge and we have told our parents, connections and friends.
Something like this brings up lots of questions – often questions that people don’t feel able to ask – but I am happy to share anything and everything, and I have permission from Jessie to share certain things from her. So let’s start with her own words shall we? Firstly in answer to the question of how I could have been in a relationship with her for 15 years and not have known she was trans:
“You didn’t know because I wasn’t ready to acknowledge it so did what I could to not leave any space where it could be perceived by anyone. And most of the time we were just busy dealing with life anyway.”
I would add here that neither of us knew ourselves whilst we were together. Or rather, we did but we were both suppressing a lot of things due to shame/stories/bullsh*t “rules” – the stuff I encourage you all to put in the bin so you can live a happier life.
She knew though from around the age of 9 or 10, just in the back of her mind. “What was noticeable was that I’ve basically felt no internal attachment or connection to the concept of being male – I had a perspective of what that should look like and what values that meant I should be upholding to be good at it, but it was like I was following a set of instructions someone else wrote.”
Following a set of instructions someone else wrote is what so many of us are doing in life, consciously or unconsciously, and it’s why writing and owning our own story is so important if we are to live as our best and happiest selves.
So how are our boys? The eldest is processing the information in his usual way, by ignoring it for now, but I know my boy and he is doing fine. We’ve had a giggle, we’ve had a cuddle, he knows we’re here if and when he has a big reaction to let out. It was him who reminded me to change Phil’s name to Jessie in my phone contacts. The youngest says he feels “a bit weird but I’m like 99% fine”. They do not hide their feelings. They have never been given a reason to.
Which brings us to my experience over the last 3 weeks, and how I have had to do the hardest thing in the world: take my own advice.
My initial reaction, right at the start, was to give Jessie a big hug and tell her it would all be okay, because she understandably looked so nervous about telling me. In that moment I did think it would all be fine, and that’s how I feel again now. In the interim time though I of course had various reactions and feelings, because the situation brought up stuff from our relationship and marriage that I had closed up in a box.
What did I do?
- Allowed myself to feel whatever I was feeling
- Communicated with people who love me about how I was feeling
- Recognised which of my values were being pushed by how I was feeling
- Recognised which of my boundaries were being breached by things that were said or unsaid
I could have suppressed my feelings and just said the “right” things. I could have internalised my resentments and concerns and just “got on with it”. I didn’t though, because I’ve learned a few things over the years. So Jessie and I had hard conversations. I expressed things without knowing how she would react. I did things “wrong”, except it wasn’t wrong because I was showing up for myself, and that’s my job. Just like it’s Jessie’s job to show up for herself and your job to show up for yourself.
By being honest and open and curious we were able to have amazing conversations, probably the best conversations we’ve had for years. No defensiveness, just trust that we are both doing our best and had things we needed to say.
Of course, this was all made so much easier with the support of my friends and my incredible man Alex, who have all been more loving and available for me than I could ever have asked.
The result? I now feel so much lighter. No just because it’s all out in the open now, but because resentments and niggles that I have buried for years have finally had an airing and are sorted and done. Also because instead of co-parenting with an unhappy, hard to reach, uncommunicative man I am now co-parenting with a happier, open, easy to talk to woman. Which is wonderful for us all.
What has all of this confirmed for me?
- Give yourself space to experience all the emotions, even if it feels like they are not the “right” ones.
- Say the things. Show up for yourself. Explain what is happening for you and how you feel.
- Trust the process. If you go through instead of trying to avoid or go around, you will reach the other side.
- The other side is always a place of growth, optimism, positivity and happiness.
A text conversation with a friend of mine sums it up pretty well:
“I’m consistently amazed at the kaleidoscope of ways of being yourself in this world. Humans are incredible… complicated but fascinating!”
“And the only way to do it is to be unapologetically ourselves.”
If you are ready to be unapologetically yourself, tune in to the latest season of my podcast (episode 45 onwards), which is all about our relationship with ourselves. It’s the most important relationship we will ever have.
Helen Calvert
The No Bullsh*t Coach
April 2023